|
|
Battered Spouse
Domestic violence is, unfortunately, all too common event in our lives.
You'll never know who has suffered. It is your sister, your daughter, your
friend, your neighbor, or it is you. Domestic violence does not discriminate.
Race does not matter. Religion is irrelevant. Income only upgrades the
scene.
We believe information is power. This article comes from the National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence web site. If you would like access to more
information or links to invaluable resources, please visit their site at www.ncadv.org.
What
is Battering?
Battering is a pattern of behavior used to
establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation,
often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person
believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic
violence are crimes.
Definitions: Abuse of family members can take
many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse,
using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a
variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all
cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are
most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent.
Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following
categories:
 | Physical Battering - The
abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising
to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which
escalate into more frequent and serious attacks. |
 | Sexual Abuse - Physical
attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual
violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her
abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity. |
 | Psychological Battering
-The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant
verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman
from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources,
and destruction of personal property. |
Battering escalates. It often begins with
behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching
a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to
restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include
punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may
become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones,
or the use of weapons.
Who Is
Battered?
Rural and urban women of all religious, ethnic,
economic, educational backgrounds, of varying ages, physical abilities, and
lifestyles can be affected by domestic violence. There is NOT a "typical
woman who will be battered." The risk factor is being born female. Over 50%
of all women will experience physical
violence in an intimate relationship, and for 24-30% of those women the
battering will be regular and on-going. EVERY 15 SECONDS THE CRIME OF BATTERING
OCCURS.
 | More than 50% of child
abductions result from domestic violence. (Geoffery
Grief & Rebecca Hagar,"Abduction of Children By Their Parents: A
Survey of the Problem," Social Work, 1991) |
 | Approximately 1 out of every 25 elderly
persons is victimized annually. (Candace Heisler, Journal of Elder Abuse
and Neglect, 1991) 22 to 35% of women who visit emergency rooms are there
for injuries related to on-going abuse. (Journal of the American Medical
Association, 1990) Up to 50% of all homeless women and children in this
country are fleeing domestic violence. (Elizabeth Schneider, Legal Reform
Efforts for Battered Women, 1990) 5 to 25% of pregnant women are battered.
(Evan Stark & Anne Flitcraft, 1992) |
 | One out of every four gay couples (25%)
experiences domestic violence in their relationship. That’s
approximately the same rate as heterosexual couples. (Family Violence
Prevention Fund, 1996) A study of violence among dating couples of high
school age found that 12% had experienced abuse in one of their
relationships. (Nona O’ Keefe, Karen Brockoff, Esther Chew, "Teen
Dating Violence," Social Work, November\December 1986) |
 | Sexual abuse against disabled girls and
women is roughly twice as high as for non-disabled girls and women.
Considering that 33 percent of American women experience domestic
violence, a conservative estimate says that at least 60% of disabled women
have experienced it. (New Mobility Magazine, 1995) In 1994, 28% of the
4,739 women who were murdered were slain by a husband or boyfriend. (FBI)
|
 | According to the U.S. Department of Justice,
over two-thirds of female victims of violence documented in 1993 were
related to or knew their attacker. |
 | A 1992 study of family and intimate assaults
reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that
family and intimate assaults involving firearms are 12 times more likely
to result in death than all non-firearm family and intimate assaults.
|
 | A 1993 study in the New England Journal of
Family Medicine revealed that homes experiencing domestic violence were
close to five times more likely to be the scene of a homicide than other
homes. It also reported that a handgun in the home is 43 times more likely
to kill a family member or an acquaintance than an intruder. |
 | The Bureau of Justice reports that although
divorced and separated women comprise only 7% of the population in the
U.S., they account for 75% of all battered women and report being
assaulted 14 times more often than women still living with a partner. |
If you are being abused or battered, you are not
alone. There is help available and people who will understand your situation.
Nobody deserves abuse. You and your children have a right to safety.
Why
Do Men Batter Women?
Many theories have been developed to explain why
some men use violence against their partners. These theories include: family
dysfunction, inadequate communication skills, provocation by women, stress,
chemical dependency, lack of spirituality and economic hardship. These issues
may be associated with battering of women, but they are not the causes. Removing
these associated factors will not end men’s violence against women. The
batterer begins and continues his behavior because violence is an effective
method for gaining and keeping control over another person and he usually does
not suffer adverse consequences as a result of his behavior.
Historically, violence against women has not been
treated as a "real" crime. This is evident in the lack of severe
consequences, such as incarceration or economic penalties, for men guilty of
battering their partners. Rarely are batterers ostracized in their communities,
even if they are known to have physically assaulted their partners. Batterers
come from all groups and backgrounds, and from all personality profiles.
However, some characteristics fit a general profile of a batterer:
 | A batterer objectifies women. He does not see
women as people. He does not respect women as a group. Overall, he sees
women as property or sexual objects. |
 | A batterer has low self-esteem and feels
powerless and ineffective in the world. He may appear successful, but inside
he feels inadequate. |
 | A batterer externalizes the causes of his
behavior. He blames his violence on circumstances such as stress, his
partner’s behavior, a "bad day," alcohol or other factors.
|
 | A batterer may be pleasant and charming
between periods of violence, and is often seen as a "nice guy" to
outsiders. |
 | Some behavioral warning signs of a potential
batterer include extreme jealousy, possessiveness, a bad temper,
unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness. |
Why Do
Women Stay?
All too often the question "Why do women
stay in violent relationships?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude.
Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or
they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many "women
who love too much" or who have "low self-esteem." The truth is
that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self
image.
A woman’s reasons for staying are more complex
than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it is dangerous
for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and
social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. Leaving
could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support,
and experiencing harassment at work.
Although there is no profile of the women who
will be battered, there is a well documented syndrome of what happens once the
battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation.
A woman may not leave battering immediately because
 | She realistically fears that the batterer will
become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts to leave;
|
 | Her friends and family may not support her
leaving; |
 | She knows the difficulties of single parenting
in reduced financial circumstances; |
 | There is a mix of good times, love and hope
along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear; |
 | She may not know about or have access to
safety and support. |
Barriers
to Leaving A Violent Relationship
Reasons why women stay generally fall into three
major categories:
Lack of Resources:
 | Most women have at least one dependent child.
|
 | Many women are not employed outside of the
home. |
 | Many women have no property that is solely
theirs. |
 | Some women lack access to cash or bank
accounts. |
 | Women who leave fear being charged with
desertion, and losing children and joint assets. |
 | A woman may face a decline in living standards
for herself and her children. |
Institutional Responses:
 | Clergy and secular counselors are often
trained to see only the goal of "saving" the marriage at all
costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence. |
 | Police officers often do not provide support
to women. They treat violence as a domestic "dispute," instead of
a crime where one person is physically attacking another person. |
 | Police may try to dissuade women from filing
charges. |
 | Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute
cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers.
Probation or a fine is much more common. |
 | Despite the issuing of a restraining order,
there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating
the assault. Ñ Despite greater public awareness and the increased
availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners, there are not
enough shelters to keep women safe. |
Traditional Ideology:
 | Many women do not believe divorce is a viable
alternative. |
 | Many women believe that a single parent family
is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no father at
all. |
 | Many women are socialized to believe that they
are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to maintain the
marriage equals failure as a woman. |
 | Many women become isolated from friends and
families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of
the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that
there is nowhere to turn. |
 | Many women rationalize their abuser’s
behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other
factors. |
 | Many women are taught that their identity and
worth are contingent upon
getting and keeping a man. |
 | The abuser rarely beats the woman all the
time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the woman’s dream of
romantic love. She believes that he is basically a "good man." If
she believes that she should hold onto a "good man," this
reinforces her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is
basically good until something bad happens to him and he has to "let
off steam." |
Predictors
Of Domestic Violence
The following signs often occur before actual
abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse:
- Did he grow up in a violent family? People who
grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one
parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal
behavior.
- Does he tend to use force or violence to
"solve" his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for
violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act
the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does
he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he cruel to animals?
Does he punch walls or throw things when he’s upset? Any of these
behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with
violence.
- Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is
a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and alcohol. Be alert
to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if he refuses to admit
that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can
change him.
- Does he have strong traditional ideas about
what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a woman
should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes and
orders?
- Is he jealous of your other
relationships—not just with other men that you may know—but also with
your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you? Does he want
to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the
time?
- Does he have access to guns, knives, or other
lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against people, or threaten
to use them to get even?
- Does he expect you to follow his orders or
advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you
cannot anticipate what he wants?
- Does he go through extreme highs and lows,
almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind one time,
and extremely cruel at another time?
- When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you
find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life? Do you
do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?
- Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically
force you to do what you do not want to do?
Checklist
Look over the following questions. Think about
how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one
person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.
Does your partner....
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of
your friends or family?
____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
____ Make you feel like you are unable to make
decisions?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain
compliance?
____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
____ Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove
or hit you?
____ Call you several times a night or show up to
make sure you are where you said you would be?
____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying
hurtful things or abusing you?
____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
____ Pressure you sexually for things you
aren’t ready for?
____ Make you feel like there "is no way
out" of the relationship?
____ Prevent you from doing things you want -
like spending time with your friends or family?
____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight
or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
Do You...
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner
will act?
____ Constantly make excuses to other people for
your partner’s behavior?
____ Believe that you can help your partner
change if only you changed something about yourself?
____ Try not to do anything that would cause
conflict or make your partner angry?
____ Feel like no matter what you do, your
partner is never happy with you?
____ Always do what your partner wants you to do
instead of what you want?
____ Stay with your partner because you are
afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
If any of these are happening in your
relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.
|
|